As we grew older, most of us lost confidence in sexual relationships at all. Most of us had parents or other caregivers who were physically, mentally, or sexually abusive or neglectful. We had to find ways to feel more secure in our sexual relationships, so we learned to numb ourselves, eat or use other substances, cheat or act perfect, or blame our fears on something other than our parent’s project. Realizing that our parents caused our feasts created even more fear. As adults, we can still use mechanisms we developed in sexual relationships, but now our self-denying, controlling sexual relationships make us feel insecure, rather than safe.
For example
Stacey focused on her mother, who constantly yelled at her. When she was eight years old, she suffered from severe insomnia. She could not sleep in the bedroom with her husband because she was afraid that a burglar would sneak into the bedroom and harm her. This continued until she was a teenager and could run away from home.
Stacey married a man who was similar to her mother – a man who was always angry at her. She did not know how to take responsibility and protect herself when faced with her husband’s anger, so instead of facing the problem, she focused her fear on her young sexual relationships and sometimes became paralyzed by their fear that something bad might happen to them.
Externalizing Fear
During a particularly bad argument with her husband, Stacey found something to focus her anxiety on, which made her feel bad. She couldn’t tell the clear difference between her obsessive worries and the sense of uncertainty around her until she had been practicing inner work for a while. She explained that during an inner work conversation when she was worried about teenage sexuality, she was advised that it wasn’t about her son. It was about how, in her last argument with her husband, she hadn’t taken proper care of herself. Her inner child was sexual relationships very anxious because she hadn’t taken responsibility for the safety of her relationship with her husband. “When I feel insecure, I still express it outwardly, just like I did as a child. It was okay for a while, but then it became awful with sexual relationships. I was so scared that instead of backing down as I was advised, I tried to correct him in all I could to stop him from becoming even more upset. I completely abandoned my inner sexual relationships and became obsessed with my son. I was so worried about his grades and the medication I was getting that I couldn’t be interested in anything else.”
