What makes Los Angele different from other queer identities is that it has nothing to do with men. Erotic relationships don’t have the same gender roles and expectations as hetero sexual relationships. However, the way women have been socialized makes it difficult for many to let go of these expectations and embrace independence. Many queer women don’t have a clear path to recognize how adult behavior impacts their erotic sexuality and how they can disrupt this dominant narrative. Assumptions and pressures to conform to erotic relationship norms prevent adults from feeling confident and comfortable in their queerness. I hope we can get out of this by examining how adults are socially conditioned to act against their attractions. Dismantling compulsory means positioning our erotic sexuality as something independent of, rather than comparing it to sexuality I want to address some of the challenges that compulsory adultguid poses for gay men who have primarily dated men, or adults in relationships, to come to terms with their erotic sexual orientation. Here are some of the most common examples from conversations I have had with adults in peer support sessions. In full disclosure, I have been in this situation myself, so I speak from personal and professional experience. The adultguid I work with are in their late 20s to 40s and are married or in committed relationships with men. Some have children, and most lead more heterosexual lives. But at some point, they realize they are gay. Instead of leaving their male partners, they close off their erotic sexuality and try to stay there. The reasons for staying vary from woman to woman, but they all boil down to a fear of not having heterosexual privilege. Comp he teaches the women that if they don’t date men, they risk not achieving social status. As one client recently explained, many of these women need “safety to fall back on,” especially in the early stages of coming out. Many of these women emphasize at the beginning of the conversation that they are perfectly happy, even if they are in love with their male partners, but in reality, they are not. But as the stories continue, the same patterns emerge more clearly. Their stories of perfect happiness begin to fall apart, revealing myriad ways in which their needs are not being met. Her husband is emotionally shallow, he doesn’t satisfy her sexually (obviously because they’re queer), and he shuts down when she tries to talk about changing their relationship to fit her new understanding of adultguid sexuality. What complicates these situations is that these women are often not completely open about being queer to their husbands or boyfriends. To maintain some surface and harmony in their relationships, they speak vaguely about their queerness. They often allude to the hypothetical possibility that there is an erotic sexual attraction between them, even if deep down they don’t feel that way.
