When I started adult sex, I identified as a woman. I was primarily not very interested in adult sex, either in my daily life or at work. Instead, I had the most significant problem finding the balance between embracing adult sex and giving up on it, which is a fetish cliché. When I took on the adult sex role, I finally felt like I had succeeded. She was the perfect combination of adult sex and tender caring, a potent mix of my penchant for taboo role-playing, hard fetish, and outright perversion. I had a few great sessions in this role before I was hit by a freight train of inner turmoil. Was I a woman? What did it all mean after all? I took a class on gender and sexuality that made me question my identity in a way I hadn’t thought about in years. I’d had this talk before, but I’d ignored it because I still wanted “feminine” adult sex. But the more I looked into “evidence” that I was a woman, the less it felt right—keywords: inner panic. Years later, I have a new name, pronouns, and body, but adult sex still feels confusing. At this point, it feels wrong to identify as a “woman,” but I’m also not a man. I’m floating somewhere in the adult heterosexual sex space. It feels right, but translating that into a clear “brand” for customers can be tricky.
I’m somewhere in the heterosexual adult sex world
To apply this to adult sex, I’m short, chubby, and dark-skinned. I usually keep my hair short and unshaven, and I have a mustache and a slight chin hair. I have a few tattoos and three prominent nose piercings. Even though I’m now flat-cheated, I still wear long, colorful acrylic nails, earrings, and feminine clothing like lingerie. I’ve got a sweet thong and greedy holes. Being true to your gender in the adult sex industry isn’t just about looks. This is what it’s like for me when I attend a meeting. Whether I experience more of my feminine or masculine side affects my mood, energy, and arousal. When I experience my femininity, I feel naturally connected to adult sex. I feel confident, in control, and a little bit empowered. Taking charge turns me on, and I feel powerful in the bedroom. When I’m in “boy mode,” I want to be a willing servant, a hole to be used, and a drooling pleasure for superior women and stereotypical daddy men. I’m not so much a submissive as an adult sex boss, but more like a greedy power-bottom. These are radically different charismas, but I have both, so there must be room for both in my work. Unfortunately, these two sides of me seem to be at odds with the adult sex expectations. It’s as if I believe it, but I’m still trying to figure out how to make space for both sides.
